Shonell in TCR Land

Families are vital components of our lives. Through families, we receive unconditional love, trust, devotion, support, and encouragement.

Are families vital components to our Second lives?

Yes, to many of us. Many continue to see SL as merely a game, a place to live out fantasies that have nothing to do with their real existence. But there are just as many people on SL who do want to connect with others in a way that creates familial connections that live beyond bits, bytes, and prims.

Liliana Dinzeo and one of her SL families – L to R: Constantine Abrastraza, Liliana, Ewan Glenelg, Arizona Raymaker, Sundae Fairweather, Grubber Robonaught

Photographer Credit: Arizona Raymaker

For some people, SL families are sparked by real-life relationships that move into SL. Liliana Dinzeo, a woman of strong faith with a passion to see miracles, works, and wonders, found her family beginning this way. “A couple of us know each other in RL,” she said. “We are believers, and are brothers and sisters in Christ. We get together all the time at Sugars Shore Ballroom, and have adopted many of the regulars there as family. Usually the family becomes closer when RL experiences call for prayer from other family members.” Saphire Chenault, my RL/SL daughter, had a similar experience, as she stated, “When it comes to me becoming a part of an SL fam, I kinda fell right in. I knew my SL mom in RL and followed her to SL and got adopted by her and her RL bestie, who is also in SL. Outside of my immediate SL family, I adopted a daughter who I adore so much–who happens to be the sister of SL bestie.” For some of us, like PsyLynn Quartz, family life starts fairly suddenly in the SL journey. “My family in SL started on my 5th day, when my SL mother (Sylenia Beeswing) and aunt (Kymorya1 Kinomis) took me under their wings,” she said.

PsyLynn Quartz and her family – L to R: Falkon Wickentower, Sylenia Beeswing, PsyLynne, Linda Soup

Photographer Credit: PsyLynn Quartz

Once these families are developed, the activities that take place are as familiar as those that take place in real life. Being around one another and talking are important aspects of the familial bond, both mentioned by the three women I talked to. Quartz also mentioned activities like shopping, teaching, and managing land and clubs together while Chenault saw family outings to the zoo, fairgrounds, and to skydive as important to her family life. It’s not surprising that communication was key to these relationships. SL provides both text and aural capabilities that are used often, and although we can TP across the grid and take in some beautiful designs in world, there is nothing as simple and as necessary to the building of strong relationships as talking to one another is. The more we talk, the more we learn about one another, the deeper the connection and the deeper the familial bond–in RL and in SL.

Saphire Chenault with her daughter, Bellz Loxely

Photographer Credit: Shon Charisma

It’s also not surprising that the receiving of love and support are main things people get from being part of an SL family. For Dinzeo, she receives “a support system, a shoulder to cry on, a prayer at the speed of light, people that you can have fun with, and care about in SL and in RL.” That care in RL is an important part to Chenault as well. “Although SL is considered a game,” she said, “we are all RL people behind the keyboard with RL issues. It’s nice to have someone you can confide in about those issues.” Love and support are not the only things that draw people to SL family life. For Quartz, having a vast network is important, too. Although I didn’t have her elaborate on her response, I thought about this “vast network,” and realized that not only does this connect to the love and support many acquire, but it’s also a benefit to having that love and support. In developing these deep relationships in SL, you are building a wealth of information, knowledge, assistance for future endeavors and projects because family is always there to be supportive and lend a hand if necessary.

Counselor & Unity Productions founder, pet Karu

Photographer Credit: Evola Courtios

What we want from an SL family is often similar to what we want in our RL families. I talked with pet Karu, who is a degreed counselor in real life and also in Second Life, and asked her why she believed people were compelled to create families in Second Life. She stated:

“In many ways we desire our Second Life experience to remain isolated from our first lives. However, as we linger here awhile, we start to pull in those elements which afford us the sense of that which is familiar. It can start off by simple sayings like, “you remind me of my Mom”; “we’re as tight as sisters”; “we’re brothers from other mothers”. We notice personas developing within and around us, which makes us start to establish this as a home base, a collective of friends who will be there for us and the sense of family (with its structures) develops.”

Those interviewed felt the same way. All three found that they received the similar things in both their RL and their SL families. “They fuss the same and praise the same,” Quartz said, and Chenault stated that “to a certain extent, I receive less stress from my SL family than I do my RL family, but I love them both equally.” Dinzeo touched upon something that I’ve found true of virtual spaces, whether a 3-D universe like SL or a text-based chatroom–people sometimes express themselves more, and this can help to build deeper relationships: “In SL,” she said, “people tend to be more open with their feelings, at least when you are close, and that gives you more of a chance to help them or them help you. I find it’s faster to IM one of my SL family members to pray for something than trying to reach a RL friend or family member.”

All three of my interviewees illustrated how the RL/SL blur actually helped to deepen both sides of the familial relationship. Dinzeo noted how her friendship with a RL friend deepened and that as an SL sister went through an extreme amount of grief over a short period she was able to be a real life friend/sister and help her through the tough times. Family doesn’t change. It doesn’t stop being family once we logout. It continues even as we move about our real lives, a sentiment that Chenault echoed: “I am beginning to meet my SL family in real life, and we treat each other and love each other like a FAMILY.” Quartz, when asked if any aspect of her SL family moved into her real life, replied, “Oh yeah, after all, we are human…if my mom is in pain, I want to comfort her, and if someone hurts me or makes me mad, she is right there feeling with me.” One short sentence of her reply resonates with me and encapsulates why we form these families, “after all, we are human.” It’s an innate part of who we are to connect with others and build these relationships.

Ultimately, these SL families become an integral part of people’s overall SL experience. “I think it makes SL better,” Quartz said. “It’s hard to be alone in here, but family helps you be with like-minded people as opposed to constant longing for that perfect friend.” Having people that care, no matter the space, makes the world a better place to be. Chenault agrees. “Family life to me is a 100% important to me,” she said. “Having people there who care is wonderful to all, but especially to those people that don’t have families in RL due to certain factors. It’s kind of a relief to be able to have one in SL.” And although Dinzeo cherishes a little alone time, her “time in SL is very boring if not for being with my family. The social interaction and close friendships I have with my SL family gives joy.”

Building SL families seems to have many positive benefits; I was interested in asking Karu if she foresaw any problems that might arise from developing these families. Her response didn’t detract from the overall positive attributes. “In the long run,” she stated, “no. There are many within SL who was not afforded the luxury of a stable home life while growing up. This platform gives them an opportunity to gain or even regain that.” But she did go further to explain the importance of understanding the phases of group development:

“In the short term, as with all groups, group dynamics play a vital role and knowing the elements of group formation and what to expect when a new member enters a group can help tremendously. All groups go through four phases: FORMING – the formation, coming together – honeymoon period. This stage is extremely polite and cordial. We don’t want to offend anyone. We tend to bite our tongues when something annoys us; STORMING – the gloves are off and we know just enough about each other to be dangerous with emotions. Those little annoyances are confronted in this phase. Many people regardless of the size of the group do not read the signals well and assume that annoyance with behaviors is not accepting or disapproval of a whole person. This phase is delicate and should be observed by those in roles as leaders or family heads and diffused as much as possible through mediation and lots of reassurance that it’s not the person, but the behaviors. The next phase is NORMING – Through normalization, we have discovered what triggers others have and ourselves also. Here we should be quick to not revert to storming, but finding solutions without mediation. Just like sibling rivalry at some point, Mom and Dad say, “work it out yourselves.” Generally, the kids do. The final phase is PERFORMING. Here we find the collective functioning and most members are content and at peace. Minor dysfunctions may occur, but they do not impede the forward growth of the unit. Mind you, if and when a new member is thrown into the mix – a baby, child, or adult, boyfriend or girlfriend – just like in first life, the roles must be firmed and the place of existing members assured.”

I can definitely see these phases of group development when I look at my experience with the organization Unity Productions (UP). UP is a faith-based organization that began last year in Second Life, Founded by Karu, UP’s mission is to develop educational, inspirational, and entertaining products that help the UP family and its followers grow in grace, deeper in love, higher in purpose, and together in unity. Over the last eight months, members of UP have definitely traversed the phases of group development–learning each other’s likes and dislikes, roles within the organization, the family, learning how to move together, grow deeper together in our love and care of one another. Karu agreed that she saw the familial aspect within UP:

The Cast of Unity Productions

Photographer Credit: PsyLynn Quartz

“With UP, our sense of family came from what we have in common, our faith! We are Christ followers and that of its own right is a family forum. We are a collection of King’s kids, brothers and sisters, who through divine destiny found each other in SL, joined our gifts and our love of God to carry the message of God’s great love through our songs, our dance, our writings, our building, our mission and platform – permeate this arena and infect it with that which has infected us – the love, peace and joy of God, restoring hope, encouraging messages, edification of the astounding effectiveness of God’s grace, and the vastness of the kingdom to which we have been made a part, as sons and daughters of God.”

In summarizing her thoughts on family life in SL, Dinzeo stated, “the core family in SL that I belong to supports each other, cares about their real lives, and prays for each other. We have a strong commitment to each other and are loyal. When someone has a party, we all celebrate, when someone has a death, we all mourn and pray. When someone needs a job, we all are encouraging and giving tips. It is a good thing to be a part of, and makes SL the place we want to be.” And I think that’s the point. The space we are going to live in—we want to also have the love, support, and care of people who matter to us within that space. It doesn’t matter if it’s virtual or real. It’s ALL real when we speak of the love of a family.